Reviving Motherhood

Learning on the Journey

To My Younger Sisters: About Singleness and Guys

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I’m not an experienced enough or old enough mom to be the kind of Titus 2 women who can hand out advice about how to raise great kids.  Yet.  That’s why I primarily talk about things I am learning along the way or things I have learned from older women.  But I do have a few years behind me and I’d like to share a bit with you younger ladies every now and then if that is OK.  Here are a few thoughts on men, finding a guy, and waiting for marriage.

I married young, so I’m not going to give you platitudes about how great it is to be unmarried long into adulthood.  I’ll leave that speech for someone who has been there.  I do know that even if you don’t marry young, life can be rich and fulfilling, though, because have friends who lead such lives.  They inspire me.  I wish that I had spent the few single years I had doing more living and less wishing, more action and less passivity.

Paul talks about this in I Corinthians 7.  Here are verses 32-35 paraphrased in The Message:

I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you’re unmarried, you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I’m trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.

He knew what he was talking about.  When I was single, I had so much time for prayer and Bible study.  I miss that.  Don’t underestimate the preciousness of this time in building your relationship with God.  Enjoy life, have fun, but don’t waste it on meaningless activities when you can use these years to focus on growth and God.  Go on mission trips, minister to the needy, pour your life into others, because once you marry it won’t be so easy, and you’ll have a husband to consider.  Is that bad?  Nope.  Just different.  And that’s what Paul is pointing out.  Living for God can be an amazing adventure if you let it be.  Don’t miss the adventure!

I’ve heard it said, “Become the kind of person you want to marry.”  If you want to marry a kind guy, become a kind girl.  If you want to marry a spiritually mature guy, become a spiritually mature girl.  If you want to marry a family man, be a family woman.  If you want a man who loves kids, spend time with kids and learn about being a mom.  If you want someone with a heart for ministry, be involved in ministry. (This does not mean you have to have an official position, it just means that you take every opportunity to express the heart of Jesus to others with words and actions.  Obey God when He tells you what to be involved in, at home or far away.)  Like attracts like.  A godly young man will notice those genuine things in you and he will be drawn to it.  Your friends will also notice and may introduce you to someone with similar values.  That’s not the goal, but it’s often the outcome.  Follow hard after God, stay in fellowship with his people, and the right guy will come in the right time.

What kind of guy should you look for?  Obviously if you are a Christian, you should be interested in guys who are growing in Christ too.  I don’t mean they have to be perfect, just growing.  A guy who has wandered from God will break your heart.  A guy who doesn’t know Christ will break your heart.

In my opinion, the greatest quality you can look for in a Christian guy is surrender.  Surrender simply means that you have given yourself wholly to God, and you are willing to do anything and go anywhere in obedience to Him.  A surrendered person is quick to repent and fall in line with God when He senses God’s conviction and direction.  A surrendered person does not let the opinions of friends or family override what God is saying. The Holy Spirit is a much better “changer” than a wife.  If you and the guy you end up with are wholly surrendered to God, I believe you will be on the same page 99% of the time.  I believe this is more important than physical attraction, similar backgrounds and lifestyles, where you live, interests, and even “compatibility.”  There is no greater compatibility than being surrendered to God together!

I love you, sisters.  Wait for God’s best.  It’s so worth it!

{I feel like this particular post is filled with “Christianese” verbage, which I try to avoid in my writing.  Forgive me.  I’m writing primarily to a Christian audience here, and I’m afraid my default setting is taking over.  It’s late and I don’t have time to rephrase.  I hope as I write more, I will break the Christian ghetto talk habit and learn to phrase things in a fresher way.  In the meantime, I hope this helps those of you who are younger and still unmarried. }

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