How Long Should I Breastfeed? Part 2 Thursday, Sep 3 2009

My Titus 2 mentors aren’t celebrities.  Most of them are moms in the trenches just like me, godly ladies who are farther down the mothering road than I am.  I’ve written before about my friend Jenny.  She’s a mom of 8 children, some of whom are nearly as old as I am.  When I got pregnant with Elizabeth she called me just to congratulate and encourage me.  What a surprise!  Until that point I had mainly thought of her as my mom’s friend, but that phone call changed my life and cemented our friendship.

Her advice particularly impacted my mothering style.  Before that I had some vague notions about mothering but I didn’t have a lot of concrete goals, especially for the infant stage.  Jenny talked to me about preparing for birth, nutrition, responding to and nurturing my baby, and breastfeeding.  Her advice to try to breastfeed for two years took me a little by surprise.  “Baby’s brain is growing so fast until age two,” she explained.  “And breast milk is the perfect brain food!”  Until then I hadn’t given much thought to how long I would nurse my babies.  A year?  Eighteen months?  I had no idea.  This made sense and gave me a goal to shoot for.

I have to admit that I was the odd girl out among my friends.  Most of them didn’t breastfeed at all, let alone for longer than a year.  And that was fine.  I certainly didn’t (and don’t) judge or criticize them for that, but I was definitely alone in the breastfeeding department.

All the same, I am so glad that I took my wise friend’s advice and aimed for that two-year mark!  I soon learned that many experts agree, breastfeeding past one year is fine for baby and may even confer great benefits.  I found it interesting that Jenny’s rule of thumb was being backed up by medical professionals.  (There are a plethora of studies that have discovered the many benefits of breastfeeding to both baby and mom.)

Personally, I can say that breastfeeding longer than average has benefited my children enormously, especially in the area of immunity.  Elizabeth caught her first virus just weeks after I weaned her.  Our one-time pediatrician (himself a father of eight) concurred that in his observation, it made all the difference in the strength of a small child’s immune system.

Breastfeeding until a certain age is certainly not an issue of right or wrong.  When you choose to wean is not something I’d criticize anyone for. I believe God leads each of us differently in our mothering, and the important thing is to be sensitive to Him, even in something as basic as how to feed our children.

I just share my Jenny story just to encourage you: If you have considered breastfeeding past age 1, it’s OK.  Go right ahead.  Not only will it not hurt anything (even the AAP explicitly states so) but it will probably be beneficial to your little one.  It’s fine to nurse for both nutrition and comfort.  In the Bible, Isaiah 66:10-13 makes reference to a mother nursing her child for comfort: “Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice greatly with her, all you who mourn over her.  For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breasts; you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance.”  For this is what the LORD says: “I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees.  As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.”

It might cause a raised eyebrow or two, but remember that whether you are able to breastfeed for just a little while or whether you choose to go for longer than your friends, what’s important is that you are doing what you believe is best for your baby.  Nourish with confidence!

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How Long Should I Breastfeed? Part 1 Tuesday, Sep 1 2009

Note:  This isn’t a diatribe against people who can’t/don’t breastfeed or those  who don’t breastfeed for a full  year.  No judgment here! It’s directed toward moms who haven’t decided how long to breastfeed or who have committed to do so at least till the one-year mark and wonder what comes next.

Recently a first-time-mom friend asked me about how long to breastfeed.  Interesting, because I had just been thinking about writing something along those lines.

The main question some moms seem to have is that they plan to wean at one year, but their babies still seems very attached.  They wonder: Is it OK to breastfeed past the first birthday?

The short answer is yes.  Not only is it OK, it’s probably quite beneficial to baby.  Many babies just aren’t ready to wean at 12 months.  In its most recent breastfeeding guidelines, the American Association of Pediatrics says:

“Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother, especially in delaying return of fertility (thereby promoting optimal intervals between births).

There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer.”

Here’s what the World Health Organization recommends:

“Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond.”

In The Vaccine Book, Dr. Robert Sears (of the well-respected Sears family of pediatricians) says:

“If you are breastfeeding, plan to do so for a minimum of one year.  Two years is better.  Not only will your baby catch fewer illnesses, but her immune system may be better equipped to handle vaccines.”

So if you’ve ever wondered, experts agree that breastfeeding longer than one year is just fine, even to be encouraged.  If you choose to wean at 12 months, good for you for making it to that point!  But if you choose to continue, go for it!

Look for part 2, the story of my mom mentor Jenny who gave me wonderful breastfeeding advice!

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Heavenly Marriage, Part 1: Sex Thursday, Nov 13 2008

This is primarily a mothering blog, right? So why in the world am I talking about marriage?

One of the most important things you can do for your children is to have a good marriage. I’ve considered writing about marriage before, because I’ve studied extensively what wise older women have to say about it (in addition to what God’s Word says), but I didn’t intend to start a marriage series now.

Until yesterday, when I ran across this: Call to Action: Pastor Issuing 7-day Sex Challenge. At first I laughed (haha, call to action), and then I paused, truly disheartened that this kind of challenge is even necessary. (By the way, Ed Young Jr., the pastor in the article, is a solid, balanced teacher of God’s Word—not a flaky publicity stunt kind of guy.) So without further ado, I’M WADING IN WHERE GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRLS ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD and talking about sex. I’ll admit, I err on the side of prudery. But in a sex-saturated culture, it’s essential that Christians counter the continuous assault of promiscuity and immorality with God’s wisdom.

I’ve been absolutely amazed over the years at how many women tell me that they aren’t having sex with their husbands. Years ago, a young lady told me how she and her husband didn’t have sex for a year after the birth of their baby “because I didn’t feel like it.” These kids separated and got back together during the course of that year, and they still didn’t have sex. Are you surprised to learn that they ended up divorced? I’m not!

We all know that women typically don’t have male sex drives. But ladies, this is such an important part of loving our husbands. Do you know that God has a lot to say about sex? (He invented it, you know.) The Song of Solomon is an entire Bible book that gives us an intimate snapshot of a couple’s love life. Here’s what Paul tells us in the I Corinthians 7:

But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

In other words, just do it. Don’t turn him down, except in the rare instance that you’re sick or otherwise absolutely unable to. We’re not going to talk about all the things he should be doing, because we’ve all learned by now that we can’t change the other person, right? I think it’s far more productive to focus on what we can do to make a better marriage, and pray that God will work on our husbands. I’ve often seen that girls like to wait till things are better in their marriages (particularly in struggling marriages) before they’ll agree to have sex with their husbands. Often, if they’d just have regular, healthy sex, things would get better. I’m not saying that we’ll all be perfect in this area, but I am saying that it should be our goal.

I’ll close with some wise words from a sermon by Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle:

“How many of you would think that a couple that doesn’t have enough sex is experiencing demonic spiritual warfare? It’s true. How many Christian marriages divorce? Well, statistically, more than those that are not Christian. When non-Christians can work it out at a rate that is more successful than Christians, that would indicate to me that Satan really has found a way to climb into bed between a husband and a wife and, in one way or another, cause devastation.

“When I’m meeting with a couple, and the husband says, “my wife’s not been very nice to me, so I’m gonna deny her sex. And until she’s nice to me, I’m gonna withhold it.”, that’s demonic. The wife who says, “ya know, I’m just never in the mood, and I know you love me and we have a decent marriage, and there’s no reason… , but I don’t feel like giving it to you”,… that’s demonic.

“To be sure, there are sex addicts in marriage who are unreasonable in their expectations of their spouse. But what I’m talking about is the common situation where one person in the marriage wants to be intimate more often than the other, and they’re rejected. They become bitter. Satan comes in and feeds that bitterness, baits the hook of their flesh with the temptation of the world. And all of a sudden, Satan puts in front of them images, people, and opportunities to lead them astray. It doesn’t make anyone a victim, because we all of our own choosing sin. But it does mean that you’re giving Satan an opportunity to literally sleep between you and your spouse.

“…Are you having enough sex? …I rarely have had a counseling appointment where they both say, “I’m satisfied with the frequency and freedom of our sexual relationship.” One says, “yeah, I think we’re fine”, and the other person says, “I’m totally frustrated. It’s not very often; it’s not very fun; it’s very predictable; it’s hard for me to rejoice in the wife of my youth.” Sometimes it’s the wife saying, “He doesn’t pursue me, he doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t desire me, he doesn’t compliment me. I’ve got other men who compliment me, pursue me emotionally, and are desirous of me.” And I say, ‘Wow, Satan is here. He is at work.’

“I want you to have that image– that a couple that’s not having free, frequent intimacy– when they go to bed, just think of Satan lying in the bed between the two of them. That’s what Paul’s talking about in 1 Corinthians 7:5. It really is a big issue. It’s not just, ‘I’m more amorous than you are’… this is demonic. It’s demonic. “

Extreme? Hmmm, I don’t think so.

In the same vein, here’s a link to an article my husband wrote, which also links to Driscoll’s sermon Good Sex, Bad Sex.

Other Resources:

Song of Solomon by Tommy Nelson

Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

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Modesty Monday, Nov 10 2008

I’ve wanted to talk about a few issues pertaining to daughters, but for now the thoughts haven’t gelled in my head enough to commit them to the keyboard. In the meantime, my friend, fashion blogger Rebecca, linked to this excellent Washington Post article about girls and dress.

In the past I also enjoyed Wendy Shalit’s book A Return to Modesty. It’s not a Christian book–Shalit is Jewish. I found her thoughts extremely insightful.

On one hand, I think it’s amazing that these issues even have to be addressed. (I’ve been told I’m a little naive.) On the other, I think it’s important to recognize that the way we adorn ourselves outwardly is merely a reflection of what’s really important–the heart. There’s a fine line between giving our daughters guidance about their outward appearance, while maintaining a focus on inner purity. A wholesome heart will naturally be reflected in wholesome attire, I think.

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Challenges Sunday, Nov 9 2008

Do you have a child that’s extra-active, can’t focus, or who has behavior challenges that are unaffected by conventional wisdom? Maybe all three of those things describe your child.

I’ve cried out to God for answers to different things that crop up with exceptionally active or challenging children (and probably many, if not most, families have one or more who fits this category at one time or another). I don’t mean ordinary high energy or strong will. I mean the kinds of issues that literally bring parents to their knees. As I’ve prayed, God has led me to several things that have proven life-changing for our family. We’re still on the journey; we certainly don’t have it all figured out yet. But here’s a short list of things that have helped us dramatically. If you face unique challenges with one or several of your kids and you don’t know where to turn, perhaps these simple steps will help you too.

Examine yourself.

Are you interacting with your child like Jesus would? Have you reached a place where you actually feel bitter toward your child for being so unmanageable? Have you become emotionally cold toward him? Do you respond to his anger with anger? Do you discipline in anger? Do you take his misbehavior as a personal affront? Do you punish rather than discipline and train? Are you consistent? Are you provoking your children to become angry? (I’m having some personal “ouch” moments just typing this list.)

The Heart of Anger has good insights into the angry child. I’ve never dealt with a child who was angry at heart, but if your child is there, it’s worth a read. Actually, the most beneficial part is the chapter “25 Ways Parents Provoke Their Children to Anger.” Even if you don’t have an “angry” child (perhaps one just given to occasional outbursts), this would be helpful.

Consider environmental sensitivities, especially to food.

This was HUGE for us. In our case, dairy and corn products seem to be culprits. (High fructose corn syrup is a problem for a lot of kids.) We don’t eat many processed or additive-laden foods, but on the occasion that we do, I notice my one of my children doesn’t handle them well either—especially during seasons when they become a more regular part of our diet. When I make sure my little one eats the diet that’s best for her (especially on a regular basis—I’m more lenient for social occasions), she is literally like a different child, both physically and emotionally. I can’t even describe HOW MUCH BETTER things are at our house since we’ve started to figure this out.

This article by Dr. William Sears is a good primer on food allergies. Also, many parents with exceptionally active or ADHD-labeled children have had great success with the Feingold diet. I’ve even read stories of autistic symptoms being improved or reversed with dietary changes. What you put into your body has a profound effect on your brain. I hear that when a child is allergic or sensitive to certain foods or additives, his behavior can spin out of control. Our experience has made me a believer.

Learn to understand and appreciate your child for who he is.

Here I’m talking about two totally different things. Appreciate your child’s uniqueness, even if it’s uniqueness that goes against your grain. If you’re orderly and introspective, an easygoing artistic child might drive you crazy, for example. But recognize that God has given your child unique gifts different from yours. Should an easygoing child learn to be disciplined? Of course. But learn to appreciate the amazing gift of a child whose personality and “bent” is totally different from yours.

In addition, you must understand how your child sees the world. The book Homeschooling the Challenging Child has been a huge help to me in this area. I think it would be beneficial even if you don’t homeschool. (Homework battles, anyone?) When I realized how my child becomes over-stimulated and how she responds to that over-stimulation, I finally “got” why she acted the way she did, and why no amount of consistent discipline improved the behavior I was concerned about.

This book is a little label-heavy in places. I’m very cautious about labeling children—but whether you pursue diagnosis that results in a label, or just look for insights into certain characteristics of your challenging child, it’s worth a read. The book is not decidedly against ADHD medication in all circumstances, but it gives many strategies that might help you keep your child off medication. (A side note: the book Boys Adrift, which I mentioned once before, was enlightening in terms of concerns about ADHD drugs, especially for boys.)

Orient yourself, your home, and your life toward your child in the way that’s helpful to him, as much as possible.

Again, Homeschooling the Challenging Child was helpful to me in regards to practical tools for interacting with my children. For example, I’m beginning to eliminate the visual clutter that can send some kids in to sensory overload. (Who knew?) I’m taking a different approach to the simplest things, like math worksheets. This list of 10 Tips for Teaching the Highly Distractible Child is super, again, even if you don’t homeschool. Once you learn to understand your child, you’re empowered to give him what he needs.

I’m not talking about pandering to character flaws or ignoring misbehavior with a label or an excuse. And I don’t mean to suggest that this approach should be a substitute for normal discipline and training. (By the same token, I’m obviously not talking about the kinds of very serious issues that require professional help–although some of these ideas may help in concert with professional assistance for those who need it.) I’m talking about learning to parent a child or children who truly present unique challenges that defy conventional wisdom. God has great things for our kids. Let’s learn to work with the precious children He gave us to help them be all He wants them to be!

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Protecting Our Children Tuesday, Jul 22 2008

I like to talk about the happy part of mothering, not the scary, dangerous part. But sometimes it’s necessary to talk about the bad stuff, so here’s something Billy and I have used that might be helpful to some of you. Family Watchdog is the National S*x Offender Registry (word altered to prevent yucky googlers). You can easily search your area–even your street–for convicted offenders. We once decided not to buy a home in a particular neighborhood simply because an offender lived too close to the house we were looking at. I like their motto: “Awareness is your best defense.” There’s truth in that. It’s important to know who’s near you who could be a danger to your children. In a broken world, there are no guarantees that our children won’t get hurt, no matter how closely we watch–but it’s important for us as parents to be as wise and careful as possible.

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